Summary: Every relationship--from our most intimate ones with spouses, parents, children, lovers, and friends, to more distant relationships with co-workers, acquaintances, and even strangers--is dramatically affected by judgmentalism. At some point, everyone is a "judge"; at some point, everyone is "judged." Written by the author of Accepting the Troll Underneath the Bridge, this book is a clear, nonthreatening explanation of the psychology and spirituali
ty that underlie judgmentalism. Dr. Cooper presents a profile of judgmental thinking, tips for dealing with judgmental people, and proven ways to change one's own judgmentalism into a process for making healthy judgments. Non-judgmentalism is part of an integrated life, he reveals; it is the way of Jesus, a heart that opens and responds rather than blindly reacts. Engaging and always practical, I'm Judgmental, You're Judgmental is filled with anecdotes from the author's own experience and his private practice. This book speaks to all adults with humility and compassion. It's of particular interest to counselors, clergy, religious, people in recovery, and people in therapy.
Summary: Every relationship--from our most intimate ones with spouses, parents, children, lovers, and friends, to more distant relationships with co-workers, acquaintances, and even strangers--is dramatically affected by judgmentalism. At some point, everyone is a "judge"; at some point, everyone is "judged." Written by the author of Accepting the Troll Underneath the Bridge, this book is a clear, nonthreatening explanation of the psychology and spirituality that underlie judgmentalism. Dr. Cooper presents a profile of judgmental thinking, tips for dealing with judgmental people, and proven ways to change one's own judgmentalism into a process for making healthy judgments. Non-judgmentalism is part of an integrated life, he reveals; it is the way of Jesus, a heart that opens and responds rather than blindly reacts. Engaging and always practical, I'm Judgmental, You're Judgmental is filled with anecdotes from the author's own experience and his private practice. This book speaks to all adults with humility and compassion. It's of particular interest to counselors, clergy, religious, people in recovery, and people in therapy. ...show less
Edition/Copyright:99 Cover: Paperback Publisher:Paulist Press Year Published: 1999 International: No
For quite some time, I have wanted to write a book about "Judgementalism," as long as it dealt with other people. I've been quick to spot in people rigid, authoritarian attitudes and statements that I did not like very much. I especially reacted when I perceived this narrow-minded mentality in the world of religion. A critical, shaming, condescending demeanor was bad enough, but to claim it in the name of religion----that was too much. So I began to throw stones at the judgmental stone-throwers. The black and white, simplistic reduction of complex issues seemed inhumane and unsatisfactory. How proud I was to point this out! I engaged in a reactionary protest against judgmental thinking. I attacked all the stereotyping, labeling, pigeonholing, and smug sense of absolute certainty that went along with a rigid mentality. What I did not realize, of course, is that I was what family systems theorist Murray Bowen frequently calls "negatively fused" to Judgementalism. By constantly reacting to it, it was controlling me. I had to fight it. Like a child stuck in defiance, I associated freedom with perpetual rebellion. What I also did not realize is that my harsh condemnation of judgmental people was every bit as judgmental as anything they were doing. I was becoming a narrow-minded defender of open-mindedness. I was intolerant of intolerance. I was a zealous missionary who grandiosely thought it was my job to expand people's thinking. I was going to "control" those awful controlling tendencies in other people. While the content of what I was saying may have differed from the judgmental attitudes I had encountered, the process of my thinking was the same. I began to realize that Judgementalism and authoritarian thinking can come in many clothes. Again, I had recognized it only in perspectives I didn't like. Now I must put my own style or manner of thinking under a microscope. I began to realize that a judgmental mentality can pop up in practically every area of life. In fact, many of us who pride ourselves on having transcended the narrow confines of rigid thinking are actually stuck in thought patterns that are very inflexible. I, myself, have often been most self-righteous in pointing out the self-righteousness of others. My point is simply this: when we think we have completely eliminated Judgementalism from our thinking, we probably need to take another look. Judgmental, authoritarian thinking is insidious, often sliding into our thoughts during times of anxiety and insecurity. It is not just "the other person's problem." In fact, it is everyone's predicament. We can certainly make steps toward recognizing and changing it within ourselves, yet we will most likely never be completely free of it. This brings us to a very important realization: The world is not simply divided between judgmental and non judgmental people. Everyone is judgmental in some ways and nonjudgmental in others. This is not an either/or issue. Therefore, we need to approach this topic with humility, compassion, and an awareness that unwarranted pride may have entered our own way of thinking. Judgmental people (a category that at one time or another includes all of us) need our love, not our judgments. Sometimes they are very hard people to love. Yet if we extend to them the very judgments we we so often receive from them, we perpetuate a cycle of intolerance that can lead to hatred. It is doubtful that any of us really believe we are close-minded. We want to see ourselves as being fair. It is important, therefore, to be able to drop our guard long enough to examine carefully our own dispositions. Many times, however, our anger and protest against other viewpoints cloud our rationality and we pontificate from our emotional reactions. While we may strain to be cordial, our private conversations include all-or-nothing expl;etives to describe a "stupid" idea or "crazy" person. Even in colleges and universities, where flexible thinking and open-mindedness are presented as ideals, there is often a stubborn resistance and dogmatic campaign against other perspectives. Lip-service may be given to a respect for diversity, but there are often tremendous infighting and "put-downs" of people with alternative beliefs. At times, it is very difficult to find a balance in discussions where a variety of opinions are represented. The Disadvantages of "Open-mindedness" While open-minded people may have an understanding of several viewpoints, the mere fact that they know so many views exist may make them hesitant, careful, and even timid. We are, after all, normally less prone toward zealous claims when we notice the massive array of angles available. In other words, the more we fairly examine alternative positions, the more inclined we may be to doubt ourselves. In many conversations, it is easy to detect "second guessers" from "non-second-guessers." Second-guessers are filled with thoughts such as "There maybe something else to see," "Perhaps others see something I don't," or "Maybe my viewpoint is limited." Conversely, non-second-guessers march ahead like cognitive bulls, often worth a display of self-assurance. They know who's right! Convictions are set in stone. Their passionate argument need not be "bothered" with the cumbersome task of listening to alternatives. Their minds are made up! The authoritative mannerisms of the "non-second-guessers" often provoke even more self-doubt and insecurity in the "second-guesser." After all, things seem to be so obvious to their partners in dialogue. If things appear that evident, maybe the second-guesser should listen again. After all, they may be wrong. A non questioning mentality or "cognitive style" creates enormous problems in marriage. "Non-second-guessers" are macho thinkers (though they may be male or female). Being "sure" often involves being dominant. Hesitation is perceived as weakness; confusion is seen as immature; "bottom lines" are easy to detect; ethical issues are clear-cut; other cultures are strange; gender differences are clearly defined; and intelligence is associated with fast thinking. The problems between a "second guesser" and a "non-second-guesser" are easily illustrated in the marriage of Gail and Ed. Gail knows that her own ideas are somewhat limited and so she values the perspectives of others. She believes we all have "blinders" and may not see ourselves as we actually are. Most of the time, she enters a discussion with this awareness. A certain amount of self-doubt, she thinks, is part of healthy personality that recognizes its own limits. This is a strength in Gail, if she gets together with another "second-guesser. Gail's husband, Ed, however, is not a second-guesser. He has a bull dog certainly about anything he says. He can also be a tricky manipulator of reality. Clinging to his viewpoint no matter what, Ed maneuvers Gail into taking far more responsibility for the marriage than she needs to take. He has endless defenses that excuse his own responsibility and pint a finger back at Gail. A smooth and seemingly certain person, Ed comes across so well that he naturally sends Gail into a tailspin of self-doubt. While Gail has an ability that Ed actually needs (the capacity to doubt himself), Gail is always at a disadvantage as she tries to be fair with Ed's relentless certainty. Gail, an educated, healthy adult, nearly lets the non-second-guessing tactics of Ed make her crazy. Another disadvantage to open-minded thinking is the loss of colorful expletives and inflammatory language. Judgmental language is powerful language. It makes us feel strong when we use it. It is, after all, the vehicle of shame. It is all to deceptive in that it makes us believe we are as certain as we sound. Fair, nonjudgmental language is less interesting. It tends to be calm, sober, and careful about the words it chooses. It forces us to use our minds and not simply rely upon strong emotion. It doesn't pulverize anyone. It does not draw a lot of "oohs" and "ahs" from an audience. Nonjudgmental language will not rely on inflammatory sound bites, regardless of how much attention that might attract. A sad fact is that our public discourse often revolves around irrational exaggeration and hype. In order to make a point, we often grossly overstate it. In any campaign year, for instance, just listen to the bombastic words and grandiose zeal of many politicians. The careful, respecting viewpoint is completely lost. It's a rigid, mudslinging world of easy right-and-wrong answers. being accurate is far less important than being colorful. "Sound bites," those quick, fiery expressions that squeeze complex issues into trite clichés, are unfortunately appealing to many. This is the world of easy pronouncements and generalizations. These bumper-sticker phrases help many come across very well on televised talk shows and media events. A person who makes a sincere attempt to address all sides of the issue is either cut off or brushed aside as wishy-washy and lacking in convictions. We don't have time to hear that person out. The person who speaks in simplistic, black-or-white language and who doesn't do justice to the complexity of the question often fares the best. Judgmental thinking is also not burdened with the task of empathy. Perhaps the central feature of judgmental thinking is that it always lacks empathy. As Carl Rogers, a founder of humanistic psychology, pointed out so well, empathy is that capacity to enter another's viewpoint and understand life from that angle. It is primarily a cognitive exercise. While it involves understanding someone's feelings, it is essentially a mental process of deep, nonjudgmental listening in which we risk taking on another person's perspective. Rogers discusses this king of listening with a client. To sense the client's inner world of private personal meanings as if it were your own, but without ever losing the "as if" quality, this is empathy, and this seem essential to a growth- promoting relationship. To sense his confusion or his timidity or his anger or his feeling of being treated unfairly as if it were your own, yet without your own uncertainty or fear or anger or suspicion getting bound up in it, this is the condition I am endeavoring to describe....It is this kind of highly personal empathy which seems important in making it possible for a person to get close to himself and to learn, to change and develop.... I suspect that each of us has discovered that this kind of understanding is extremely rare. We neither receive it nor offer it with any great frequency. Instead we offer another type of understanding which is very different, such as "I understanding which we usually offer and receive -----an evaluative understanding form the outside. It is not surprising that we shy away from true understanding. If I am truly open to the way life is experienced by another person----if I can take his world into mine----then I run the risk of seeing life in his way, of being changed myself, and we all resist change. So we tend to view this other person's world only in our terms, not in his. We analyze and evaluate it. We do not understand it. But when someone understands how it feels and seems to be me, without wanting to analyze or judge me, then I can blossom and grow in that climate. I am sure I am not alone in that feeling.... None of us steadily achieves such a complete empathy as I have been trying to describe, any more than we can achieve complete congruence, but there is no doubt that individuals can develop along this line. Empathy does not mean approving of all aspects of another's beliefs or behavior. It does, however, necessitate giving the perspective "air time," and listening with new ears and less preconceived ideas. Again, as Rogers has pointed out so well, there are profound risks in developing a lifestyle of empathic listening. We may completely change our minds, or at least be significantly moved by another person's perspective. We may walk away from the conversation with far less certainty than we had before. Whatever the results, however, we will feel the fulfillment of having respected the person underneath the viewpoint. Viktor Frankl, survivor of a concentration camp and the founder of logo therapy, also points to the extreme importance of affirming another's dignity through empathic listening. He relates the following experience with one of his patients. Recently, I received a telephone call at three in the morning from a lady who told me that she was determined to commit suicide but was curious to know what I would say about it. I replied with all the arguments against this resolution and for survival, and I talked to her for thirty minutes---- until she finally gave her word that she would not take her life but rather come to see me in the hospital. But when she visited there it turned out that not one of all the arguments I offered had impressed her. The only reason she had decided not to commit suicide was the fact that, rather than growing angry because of having been disturbed in my sleep in the middle of the night, I had patiently listened to her and talked with her for half an hour, and a world-----she found----in which this can happen, must be a world worth living in. While nonjudgmental thinking may not be the easiest way to relate to others, it is certainly the way of Jesus. Jesus constantly addresses us as more than our past, seeing the possibility of newness no matter how debilitating our backgrounds. He calls us out of where we have been and into who we are---- loved, accepted, and unconditionally valued. A self-destructive life is lived outside the Good News that we don't have to fight, run away from, or deny our inner condemnations. God embraces us through them. This nonjudgmental attitude is what makes us able to hear and follow the voice of grace. Jesus meets us precisely where we are and simply says, "Follow me." He does not say, "I condemn you. Go clean up your life and then you can follow me." He knows that his acceptance will provide the desire and motivation within us for change. His message is, "Trust the future, for it is in God's hands. Don't let today's anxieties stir within you a desire to judge yourself or others. That's beyond your limits, anyway. Don't let judgment close you off from a new world of adventure. When the frowning certain of judgment is pulled back, you can catch a glimpse of a God who smiles."
View Table of Contents
Chapter One Understanding Judgmental Thinking
Chapter Two Anxiety and Authoritarian Thinking
Judgementalism as Authoritarian Thinking Coping with Authoritarians In Summary
Chapter Three Making Judgment vs. Being Judgmental
Healthy Judgments vs. Judgementalism: Eight Distinctions In Summary
Chapter Four With an Open Mind and a Generous Heart
Responding Rather Than Reacting to Other In Summary
Order this book in the next 4 hours and 29 minutes and it ships by Noon CT today!
New Currently Sold Out
Free Shipping Get Free Shipping on orders over $25 (not including Rental and Marketplace). Order arrives in 5-10 business days.
Need it faster? We offer fast, flat-rate expedited shipping options.
Not the right book for you? We'll gladly take it back within 30 days.
To return an eTextbook:
Your eTextbook is non-returnable once it's been activated. You must contact us about returning your eTextbook before you activate it.
Returns are accepted within 30 days of the purchase date on your order confirmation.
This book qualifies for guaranteed cash back! Buy it now for , then:
Sell it back by:
Guaranteed cash back:
Cost of this book after cash back:
Take advantage of Guaranteed Cash Back. Send your book to us in good condition before the end of the buyback period, we'll send YOU a check, and you'll pay less for your textbooks!
If you find this book for less on Amazon.com (direct from Amazon, not marketplace sellers), we'll match it.
In our warehouse, waiting to ship directly to you.
We hand-inspect every used textbook to make sure it's in good condition.
Buy it now. Sell it later!
Sell this textbook for cash!
When you're done with this book, sell it back to Textbooks.com. In addition to the best possible buyback price, you'll get an extra 10% cash back just for being a customer.
We buy good-condition used textbooks year 'round, 24/7. No matter where you bought it, Textbooks.com will buy your textbooks for the most cash.
We hand-inspect every one of our used textbooks to ensure good condition.
Our used textbooks do NOT have:
Missing or torn pages
Missing or torn cover
Torn or damaged binding
A broken spine
This textbook has never been used.
Due to the size of eTextbooks, a high-speed internet connection (cable modem, DSL, LAN) is required for download stability and speed. Your connection can be wired or wireless.
Being online is not required for reading an eTextbook after successfully downloading it. You must only be connected to the Internet duringthe download process.
XP or Windows 7 (32 or 64 running in 32 bit mode), or Mac OS 10.6 or above
At least 512 MB RAM, 600 mHZ processor, and 40 MB of hard drive space (75MB for Mac OS)
What is the Marketplace? It's another way for you to get the right price on the books you need. We approved every Marketplace vendor to sell their books on Textbooks.com, so you know they're all reliable.
What are Marketplace shipping options? Marketplace items do not qualify for free shipping. When ordering from the Marketplace, please specify whether you want the seller to send your book Standard ($3.99/item) or Express ($6.99/item). To get free shipping over $25, just order directly from Textbooks.com instead of through the Marketplace.
FREE UPS 2nd Day Air Terms
Rental and Marketplace items are excluded. Offer is valid from 1/21/2013 12:00PM to 1/23/2013 11:59AM CST. Your order must be placed by 12 Noon CST to be processed on the same day. Minimum order value is $100.00 excluding Rental and Marketplace items. To redeem this offer, select "FREE UPS 2ND DAY AIR" at checkout. Offer not is not valid on previous orders.